Video biography: the reluctant subject

What do you do when the subject doesn't want you to record their story? I come across this more than you might think. One common reason is vanity: "I don't look so good any more..." Another is lack of vanity: "I haven't done anything amazing!" Sometimes the subject is ill (even dying) and just doesn't seem to have the energy or interest. Or they're too busy. Here's what I tell people:

"Recording personal history is not a vanity project. You don't do it for yourself. You do it for future generations, so that they can get to know you - as well as your parents and grandparents."

I ask them: "What would you have given for a chance to get to know one of your grandparents or great grandparents first hand? To hear them talking about their life, childhood, school days, how they met their spouse and what values or experience they would like to pass down to you. How precious would that be? You can't put a price on something like that."

I then think of my husband. His big regret is that he didn't get to know his grandfather Ned. Everyone said he had a marvelous Irish sense of humor. But that never comes through in photographs. He imagines having a film of Ned talking - and joking. Video cameras and editing suites weren't around when Ned died - but they are now.

I also ask reluctant subjects to think of their grandchildren. With families sometimes living so far apart, grandchildren often don't get to really know their grandparents. "Don't you want your grandchildren to know their history, to know about your parents - and their challenges, and successes? Don't they deserve to know your story?"

Sometimes I wax lyrical: "We have all held the hand that held the hand that goes back through the generations who saw the industrial revolution, the middle ages, the rise of Christianity, the genius of the Greeks. Palm to palm, fingers squeezing fingers: we are links in a marvelous human chain. Recording stories honors your part in that linkage, and keeps it alive for those who will come after."

Finally: "You know, when your are gone, the thing that your family will value most is not the estate you leave behind. It will be you - memories of you. Who you were, how you thought, who you loved. It will be the chance to re-establish a connection with you - every time they hear your story. It's a kind of immortality. It's a kind of magic."

The distressed (or even dying) subject? My experience has been that subjects can be energized by the chance to tell their story. Ann King was a lovely woman with a loving family who was very ill. When we started, she seemed very small, very quiet, and very gray. As the morning wore on, she grew stronger and more animated. She did a great job recounting the details of her long and interesting life which we quickly edited into a video biography along with her photos and old home movies. I cried when her daughter phoned me just 6 days later to say that Anne had passed away. Her daughter told me that Anne had enjoyed the day immensely.

A video biography captures the stories and the subject's laugh, the way they use their hands when they talk, their smile, their accent, their kindness, their acuity, their pride, their pain, and their tears: Their humanity. Can there be a more important legacy than that?

So if your loved one is reluctant to share their story, ask them again. You won't be disappointed.